When are you getting married?

At school on my birthday a visitor sung 'Happy Birthday' to me, including the customary Kenyan 'How Old Are You Now?' verse. Then followed a 'When Are You Getting Married?' verse! Me and my wazungu friends joked about this...was it a proposal?! You wouldn't make comments of this nature back home, certainly not in a whole school assembly.

Questions as to marital status are as common as the other important questions about whether I have brothers and sisters. (It is important to establish where in the birth order I come as to be first-born is of great significance). But it took some time to adjust to the somewhat personal questions.

The reply of 'I just haven't met him (ie my husband) yet' doesn't quite make sense to many people here as they then proceed to offer their brother or cousin or one of the students in Form 4!

Amusing conversations about the bride price follow: whether my dad would keep the eight camels or convert them to cash, how we get camels to UK, whether they would survive in mum and dad's garden.

Many boys say that they want to marry a wazungu (white person) especially when they discover that wazungus don't require a bride price!! But interesting conversations follow when I point out that this means that their wife wouldn't be one of their possessions! And that a wazungu wife would not be happy with her husband sitting under a tree talking all day while she gets water, wood, cooks, washes clothes, milks the goats....culture greatly determines expectations about relationships in marriage.

Getting married is almost automatic here and there are strong traditions surrounding finding a match and the ensuing celebrations. Marriage is important for community structure and having lots of children is also crucial. There are no single/childless women in Korr; those without children of their own are 'given' children by family members. Arranged marriages are normal in traditional Rendille communities and brides can be very very young. Even amongst more educated Rendille, who might chose their spouse, women marry and start having babies young. Me and my housemates don't quite fit in with the local community because, despite being old enough, none of us are 'mamas'. They see it strange that we don't have definite plans for marrying.

UK culture has a whole different set of expectations and traditions regarding whether, when and who people marry. And not all of them are good. I think it is good the way that marriage and parenthood are held in high regard in Korr.  In the same way, not all Rendille customs are good. When there are conflicting cultural views about something like this it can be difficult to work out what is best and so it is even more important that we base our thinking on the Bible. 

At Tirrim Secondary School, Form 4 students have two 'Bible' lessons a week and they are working through a series of studies to discover what God's design for marriage is and to get a Biblical perspective on relationships that honour God and each other. The students love these lessons (and I enjoy overhearing them from my office next door) and often chat to me after class about how they can apply what they learn to their lives. So far they have looked at how God established the practice of marriage been man and woman from the beginning and how he promotes its significance throughout the rest of the Bible. They looked what sort of spouse they would like and are now going through 1 Corinthians 13 - what love looks like and how this would work in their marriages.

However, the Bible also makes it clear that both being married and not being married are valid. The identity of those who follow Christ is in the fact that they are children of God, not based on their marital status. I am not saved by being married or by having children, although these are good and the path for the majority. I am saved, and my life given purpose, by Jesus.

Inevitably, me and my housemates discuss these issues a fair amount. We describe our 'ideal husband'; the ability to grow a beard, nice handwriting and good teeth are amongst the 'requirements' that my housemates suggest (none of these are mine by the way). However, spending this time in Kenya and being open to the possibility of returning to Africa longer term influences our thoughts regarding what makes for a good husband. New on our 'lists' is an interest in missions, the ability to fix a car and willingness to kill snakes - things that are far more important than my dreams of a 'Northern Irish rock climbing doctor'! Seriously though, I hold my 'list' quite lightly. The only things I will be picky on is his devotion to the Lord, and his preparedness to take me on with all my peculiarities.

I don't think that I am single necessarily because I am too picky. Or because I 'haven't met the right one yet'. I think that it is because God wants me single at the moment and for His good purposes. He knows what he is doing. There are loads of advantages of being not being married that I need to remind myself of. And there are many ways that I can serve God that would be harder if I was married.

So, when am I getting married? I don't know. But God knows the ifs and whens. I know that if I am to get married I want it to be to someone who will help me live my life for the Lord. So I trust my unknown future to Him, who has been faithful in my life so far and will continue to be.